Parenting

RAISING OLIVER

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“Each day of our lives, we make deposits in the memory banks of our children”. – Charles R. Swindol. 

Psychologists claim that long lasting memories of children begin at 14 to 18 months. A happy, loving face can be imitated/remembered much earlier – making it important that your child is looked after with love and tenderness.

When Oliver was born, I saw a child whose life depended on me. The umbilical cord may have been cut but there and then I saw myself as secondary to the child I was holding. The first time I laid my eyes on my son, I knew my life would never be the same again – because there is another human being whose life will be shaped primarily by me and how I respond to things.

I laid down my own rules for parenting, my credo, so to speak and tried to lead by example to my little boy. Luckily for me, Oliver was never a problem child. Perhaps I am lucky but the imprints of nurture that I made, of which I am very proud of, manifest to how he lives today as I know it.

The prime virtue I taught him are compassion and giving back to the community when he can.

Not all parents will show their children the ugly facts of society. I did exactly the opposite. As a child in his safety child seat behind me, he would see children selling flowers, faces with the weight of poverty, hunger in them.

I would talk to him while driving, asking if he is alright as I know he is watching them. He would asked why I wouldn’t buy any if only to help – and I would explain that if I did, the children will be given more flowers to sell instead of going home. It is compassion by not giving – and at an early age, he realized how the cycle works.

One time when he was in his late teens, he spent some time in Thailand with his Dad and over Skype, he related how angry he was with the people who watched and gave money to a man who was making her contortionist daughter perform late into the night in the busy streets in Chiang Mai. He said he didn’t stop to ogle and applaud, but observed how even adults could not understand the cycle that the more they give, the worse it is for the little girl.

And there I knew the imprint I left on Oliver on how compassion is not necessarily giving – it could mean the total opposite. It is breaking a cycle of abuse of children who are made to work by their parents, to beg, to perform when they should be in bed nurturing their bodies with rest and sleep.

The other face of compassion and social responsibility he learned was when I took him to Smoky Mountain when he was 14. This is hell on earth, a dumpsite in Manila where children are expected to pick up cans, plastic bags and anything that can be resold to junk yard owners. It is believed that five thousand families are supposed to live here.

It was a prelude to the Mosman Cup 2007 and I invited Oliver and some of his friends (with the permission of their parents) to visit the dumpsite to donate old football boots, shirts and school supplies to the children of the Philippine Christian Foundation.

What he saw, smelled, experienced in the grey, impoverished hell of Manila is still vivid up to this day. He was sick as a dog the following day – but saw the realization that not all live like he and his friend do.

By spending time with the children under the wings of the PCF kicking ball and teaching them tricks on how to entertain themselves, he learned social responsibility.

Not long afterwards, he was tasked to organize a football tournament at the British School Manila for the benefit of the disenfranchised football teams in Manila. I observed him do the works, and my heart skipped when I saw him bringing food, taking charge of the event and being called “Kuya Oliver” by the kids from Smoky Mountain and The Achievers, the players from the squatter area in Manila.

I want my son to continue knowing and practicing compassion for others – but it is not me who can attest to that – only the people around him can.

SIX GEMS FROM MY MILLENIAL SON

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He was four when his father and I separated which was not an easy situation for a child his age. Oliver and I left our the family abode in San Lorenzo, Makati for a humble house in Las Pinas in 1998 amid an acrimonious separation. Unlike most children, no questions were asked and he embraced the changes with calmness and aplomb.

Adjustments made by my son were substantial – no more regular family dinners; “daddy time” became a weekend exercise; gone was the big house with maids and yaya and most damning of all was seeing both his father and mother suffer from depression. Mine was triggered by the separation, his dad’s was due to the personal demons he had been battling with for a long time.

Despite the tough situation, Oliver didn’t lose his cheerful and lively character.

Throughout the whole ordeal of adjusting to the new scheme of things, he showed maturity beyond his years.

This quality would become his trademark amongst his peers as he grew older. His gift of listening is remarkable, his sense of fairness strong and his ability to empathize is quite extraordinary.

It is no wonder then that he became my best friend, my all-around go-to-guy as I traversed life’s journey. He saw me spiral into depression in 1998 and witnessed how I defeated the illness; he became my biggest fan and inspiration in the businesses I managed; cheered me on in my socio-civic duties and became my sounding board again when I got into a wrong relationship that lasted 17 years – causing depression to rear its ugly head again.

It was a psychologically and emotionally abusive relationship from a narcissistic partner, the horrific effects of which was witnessed by Oliver on several occasions. I left three times and returned three times – a very common cycle among emotionally battered women – until I finally detached myself from the abuse in 2016.

Life is about choices, never about chances. I am here for reason and I am making the most out of my time. And the reason I am here has a cosmic origin: I am loved. Everyone is. And I am loved despite being made to think that I wasn’t with the god-awful treatment that I got. I am loved in no uncertain terms by my son.

Oliver is now 25, independent and living in Sydney, Australia but we still talk on a regular basis. He is not just my son, he is also my confidante – having known all my struggles past and present. He is my counselor to this day.

Some of the gems he has shared with me are as follows:

1. Travel and see the world.  From the remote islands of the Philippines to Eastern Europe, Oliver has seen and experienced the various cultures and sights the world has to offer. He does so on budget when it comes to accommodation and plane fares – but does not scrimp on food and drinks. It is the experience of meeting new people and knowing the history of each country that he wants me to encounter before I get too old to travel.

And I have listened and taken his advice. Last week, I was in Poland and saw for myself the remains of the horrors of World War II but also saw the beauty of Krakow, a charming city several hours from Warsaw.

I wish to see more of the world just the way Oliver wants me to.

And so with my son in my heart and my bag on my back, I am ready to take on a big beautiful and still unexplored world to see and seize.

Off to the next sortie I go.

My invitation to you:  Pack you own stuff and get prepped for the joyride of life.

Never mind the bumps along the road, the air pockets while in flight and the head winds and big waves.

They are all part of the tour package of life.

2. Get decent hours’ rest because that will have rippling effects on your mental health and lifestyle. On many occasions, Oliver would monitor the time of my Facebook uploads. When he sees that I am still posting in the wee hours of the morning, he would immediately send a message asking why I am still up. We always trivialize the importance of getting sufficient and quality sleep – Oliver knows this all too well and my tendency to work late hours.

3. Focus on yourself. It is time to be selfish. It was in a Messenger note that he left this advice. In effect, he is saying that I should not worry about him and instead put more emphasis on myself as I navigate this life. There are no more business issues to worry about having left the publishing job I had with Medical Observer; no more pain to deal with having abandoned the abusive long term relationship I had; my parents are gone and I am living alone. Things were put into perspective with this advice – indeed, I should really have nothing else to worry about but me and the future that lies ahead.

4. Over thinking the past and reliving it will get you nowhere. Oliver is my anchor who has continuously offered emotional support during my darkest hours. When I was recovering from narcissistic abuse, he never failed to advise me to move forward and put the pain behind. Says Oliver. “You need to keep remembering that it is the past and you have to put that chapter of your life aside now and not let the past anchor you down. You’re bigger and better than that.”

Thankfully for me, my downhill ride is over, and I am on my way back to an exhilarating ascent.

5. I am always here. Big words from a son who has been through a lot himself, having lost his dad thrice in his life – first during the separation back in 1998, then losing his dad to dementia in 2013 and then losing him finally when his dad died in 2016. Oliver assures me that he will always be there for me and he has proven that during what I thought was the apocalypse of my life. He was always on the phone checking how I was doing, sending videos of himself to cheer me up and giving assurances that I didn’t deserve the abuse that was inflicted on me.

6. Never go back to Uncle Matt – One final wisdom he told me was to never go back to my last long term relationship that even  he himself saw as emotionally and psychologically abusive. In hindsight, he said that I should not have returned when I first left in 2009. While he has maintained a good relationship with my ex, he believes that the man was toxic for my life and leaving him for good back in 2016 was a smart move. I am moving on happily with my life and has shunned any form communication with my ex who has brought me nothing but pain and humiliation.

Life is a dilemma. Oh yes it is.

It can be its own reward or punishment. If it is the former, get full remuneration; if it is the latter try to bear the retribution.

But life only becomes so if you allow it to be.

For life is not like that at all and should never be so.

It is the greatest gift from whose enormous package spring all other gifts.

Yes, it is a journey which you can turn into a joyride when you are lifted and held aloft or a landslide when you are taken for a ride.

Indeed, of all life’s investments, love offers the greatest return.

And that love is expressed in how you celebrate life.

So choose life, live it abundantly and be thankful.

Remember that not everyone is given much time to experience it to the fullest.

With each new day that I awake, a ritualistic call to life beckons me to begin anew—a warm ray of sunlight, chirping birds, the faint scent of grass and leaves freshly cut by neighbors.

All these, and your day is just getting started. Your mood shifts to high gear.

The coffee percolating in the machine is turbo-charging your drive to take on the challenge of a brand-new day.

You feel you are already on top of the world and yet the day has hardly begun for others.

Life is astonishing. And being sentenced to life in this world is a blessed bliss.

And since life has no rewind button, you move on, forward, up, and out into the world.

But life is not a 100-meter dash; it is a marathon with no relay.

And so, while no one is looking, you can always stop, sit on a rock, feel the lightness within and around you, and realize a world of worries, pain, sorrow, and suffering had been offloaded from your back.

That’s right. Lay all of them down and leave them behind.

From now on travel light for life’s-journey. Just carry a back pack of essentials and hit the road, ride the wave, take to the skies.

The world is yours. Don’t just see it, grab and embrace it.

And here’s a parting shot from Sir Elton: “how wonderful life is while you’re in the world.”

Life.  Love. Time. The world.

You got ‘em all.

Never stop being astonished and thankful.